by Pamela Jett, CSP

Have you ever given someone advice, maybe even advice they’ve asked for, only to have them become defensive or even hostile in response?  You might wonder, “why did they even ask for my advice then?” Or “Geez…  I was only trying to help.” If your feedback or advice tends to land on closed or defensive ears, it may be because of the words you are choosing to use.

It has been my experience that advice or feedback can go terribly awry or trigger defensiveness when it starts with “you need to…”

Some words or phrases can derail even a well intended message and the phrase “you need to…” has the power to trigger that voice inside someone’s head that shouts “you’re not the boss of me!  Don’t you tell me what to do.” When we start our helpful comments in such a way, it sends the subtle message that we think we know best and have the right to tell them what to do.

Honor a person’s right to choose.  Remarkable communicators know that advice or feedback is received more graciously when it is delivered more respectfully.  Here are a few phrases to use instead:

• You might want to…
• You could try…
• What I would reccomend is…
• You might consider…

While using these phrases instead of “you need to…” is no guarantee that the feedback will be graciously received, it makes it far more likely.

Words matter.  The words you choose to use and the words you choose to lose can make all the difference.  When we remove the demeaning, demanding, and controlling language habits we might have and replace them with more respectful communication, we do our part to improve morale, enhance productivity, and enhance employee engagment (among other things.)  We will also experience more rewarding and positive relationship at work and at home.

What do you think?  Post a comment, share on Facebook, and join the conversation.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

We all do it, we get into bad habits.  The same is true for our communication.  We can get into communication habits that weaken our credibility, confuse our listener, or sometimes simply annoy the heck out of them.  Here are 3 communication habits that might be holding you back.  With a bit of attention and effort, you can purge these from your communication and enhance your effectiveness.

1.  Stop beginning with “honestly” or “to be honest with you.” While most people recognize that you are not typically lying all the other times you speak, it is an annoying habit that many people are hyper-sensitive to.  You may use this when you are going to communicate in a very direct or candid fashion.  We often use the preface “honestly” in an attempt to soften our direct communication.  The problem is, it doesn’t typically soften the message in an effective fashion and it can annoy your listener.  Purge “honestly” or “to be honest with you” from your conversations.

2.  Stop using “don’t take this personally” or “no offense.” All this does is communicate to your listener that you are about to say something hurtful and you want to shift the responsibility for being hurtful from you to them.  It’s almost as we are looking for a “free pass” to say mean things simply because we tell the listener not to be hurt or upset.  And, when they inevitably do become hurt or upset, we often attempt to make it their fault by saying something like “I told you not to be upset” (translation – “I warned you – it’s your own fault you were hurt.”)  This is a very passive-aggressive form of communication.  The next time you are tempted to say “don’t take this personally” or “no offense” stop and ask yourself “is this really necessary to say?” or “what am I trying to accomplish – do I want to be hurtful or helpful?”  Most of the time when we are tempted to use these passive-aggressive phrases it is a signal to us that what we are about to say is best left unsaid or said in a different way.

3.  Stop using disclaimers such as “I might be wrong” or “I might be the only one who thinks this.” Confident communicators don’t weaken their message with disclaimers.  If you start out by saying “I might be wrong” a listener might think you are and close off to you.  Or, they might spend their time looking for ways that you are wrong since you essentially gave them the tip-off.  Many listeners will also think “if you are not confident, why are you wasting my (our) time by speaking?”  Other popular disclaimers are “this might be a dumb question” and “this might not work, but…” When we use disclaimers, we sabotage our credibility and lessen our messages impact.  Purge disclaimers from your communication.

Make a commitment to breaking these communication bad habits today!

What other bad habits are you aware of?  It would be great to hear your perspective, so join the conversation and post a comment.  Please share this post with others and post on social media.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

It is no secret, employee engagement, or the lack thereof, is a serious problem in many workplaces.  Research study after research study reveals that employee disengagement can be as high as 71% (yikes!)  This means that many workplaces are filled with people who have no energy to solve problems, no enthusiasm for great customer service, and very little commitment to their company’s profits.  Essentially, they are there to collect a paycheck and then they check out!

While there is no magic wand to enhance employee engagement, there are simple steps that every leader (regardless of job title) can take to enhance the engagement of those around them.  One of those steps is to ask “engaging” questions.  People want to know that they are valued, that their opinions and ideas matter, and that they are seen as someone who has valuable insight and experiences to share.  Here are a few “engaging” questions to add to your communication repertoire:

• “That’s interesting.  Would you tell me more?”
• “What are your thoughts on this?”
• “How do you think this will work with our team?”
• “What would you do differently?”
• “How would you do this?”

There are any number of ways you can integrate these questions into your daily conversations.  The key is make sure that you ask open-ended questions that allow others to share their thoughts.  When you actively ask open-ended questions and take the time to listen to the response, you send the message that you value others and their opinions. Enhancing employee engagement is everyone’s job.  Regardless of your position within your organization, you can do your part by asking engaging questions.

What questions do you intend to try?  What questions would you add to the list?  Join the conversation.  Leave a comment, post on social media, and share with others.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

When we close our doors at work it means “I’m very busy – please do not disturb” – right?  It’s the universal signal for “leave me alone” or “this is private” – right?  Clearly, not “right.”

Many of the professionals I work with tell me that in their organization a closed door is more of an invitation to knock or to even open the door, pop a head around the edge and ask “are you busy?”

If you are frustrated by people’s inability to respect your closed door, it might be time to change your behavior (because we know we can’t change their’s!)  Here are a few tools:

• Ask yourself, do I keep the door closed so often that I am basically inaccessible during most of the day?  If so, you might want to reconsider how often you keep your door closed.  When people know you keep your door closed regularly, they become concerned that you will never be available and that leads to them interrupting you.
• Consider using a “Please Do Not Disturb” that has a when you will be available time on it.  Stick a post-it note on your door that clearly states when your door will be open again.  If all you have is “Please Do Not Disturb” people become concerned that you won’t be available for them at all that day.  And, this leads to them knocking and disturbing you.  When they know when you will be available, they are more likely to respect your closed door and wait.
• Of course, some folks won’t wait – even with the time posted.  They will knock or open the door anyway.  When they do, do not say “how may I help you?” or “what is it?” These are both invitations to conversation.  Instead, try “is this an emergency?” If they answer “no” encourage them to come back at your available time.  If they answer “yes” – then you might decide to ask an open-ended question like “what’s up?”  and then determine whether or not their issue is worth your time at that moment.

Eleanor Roosevelt teaches us to “train other people how to treat you.”  By using these simple techniques, you can train your coleageus, staff, and even your boss to be more respectful of your closed door.

What are your thoughts?  Post a comment, share on social media, and let me know what you think.

by Pamela jett, CSP

Have you ever started out a conversation with a colleague or your boss only to have them respond in a completely different fashion that what you needed?  For example, perhaps you are up-dating a colleague on the status of a project.  Your intent is to simply bring them up to speed or to keep them in the loop, not open the project up for intense discussion or criticism.  And yet, that is what they proceed to do.  They question you.  They probe.  They seek out tons of detail.  All you were trying to do is give them an up-date and they are turning it into a full blown project de-brief.  You might find yourself on the defensive or even feel like you are being unjustly attacked since your intent was simply an up-date, not a discussion session.

The opposite can also occur.  You might want your leader’s or your colleagues’s insights on the state of a project, but all they seem to do when you talk to them is offer comments such as “thanks for the up-date” or “that’s good to know.”  You might find yourself frustrated and even questioning their level of commitment or engagement since they only offered minimal response.

If you have ever experienced frustration of this sort, here is a powerful communication tool you can use:  ask for the kind of response you want. Savvy communicators will let listeners know what kind of feedback or response they are looking for by pre-calling it up front.  You might try incorporating phrases such as:

• This is simply a quick project up-date.  I will have a full report at a later date.
• I want to keep you in the loop with the brief re-cap.
• This is an FYI to bring you up to speed.

• I have some things I would like your opinion on.
• I could use your insight and thoughts.
• I would appreciate if you could share what you think I could do here.

While these are only examples, they illustrate how easy it is to ask for what you want up front.  By telling people it is an up-date, they are less likely to dive into the nitty-gritty or bombard you with questions.  And, by telling people when you want their insight it frees them up to comment.  Obviously, it is not a fool-proof method.  However, by telling the listener the kind of response you want, you increase the chance that you will get it!

So, the next time you are sharing information, ask yourself what kind of a response are you looking and let your listener know.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

“I don’t care.” – “I don’t mind.” Is there a difference?  Since Words Matter, I believe there is a difference.  Moreover, if you are a leader looking to use communication to enhance relationships and improve employee engagement, you will carefully consider the words you choose to use and the words you chose to lose.  ”I don’t care” is a phrase to lose.

While not intentional, when you say “I don’t care” in response to a casual question or request, you run the risk of conveying that you genuinely DON’T CARE – likely a message you want to avoid.  No one wants to work with or for people who “don’t care.”  No leader can bring the best version of themselves to work everyday if they “don’t care.”  When we say we “don’t care” we run the risk of people believing us.

So, what do we say instead?  Here are some options you can use that are likely more accurate in terms of our communication and don’t run the risk of unintentionally sending a “disengaging” message:

“I don’t mind” or “that’s fine”

“I don’t have a preference” or “whichever you prefer”

In general, while I “don’t mind” the first options, I prefer the second options because they put into practice a key component of engaging communication – putting things in the positive as opposed to the negative.

I encourage you to purge “I don’t care” from your language.  Make a small change that can have a big impact in the message you send and the relationships you are building.

What do you think?  Join the conversation – post a comment, share on Facebook or other social media.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

Research indicates that only 1 in 5 employees is actively engaged at work.   What a scary statistic!  We are in the midst of an employee engagement crisis.  I believe we as individuals are the key to improving engagement.  Employee engagement is everyone’s job.  Regardless of our position or job title, we are each tasked with helping others know that what they do matters.  Here are 3 key actions, all revolving around communication, to engage in today to help others feel more engaged at work.

1. Catch people, your colleagues and those you might lead, in the act of doing something right! When you notice someone doing a good job, tell them so.  This doesn’t have to be formal or over-worked.  Simply say “I like that” or “you did a great job on that – I’m impressed.”  Help people feel good about their contributions.  The more people feel like someone notices or cares about what they are doing, the more rewarding and hence, more engaging, the task is.
2. When someone does something for you or to help you – say “thank you.” Basic good manners matter.  Even if what they have done is small, it is still a great employee engagement strategy to say “thank you.”  The interesting thing about “thank you” is that people don’t often notice when we say it.  However, they notice when we don’t.  A “thank you” costs us nothing and can help people feel appreciated, a key to employee engagement.
3. Point out the impact of actions when possible. So many people have no idea how what they do makes a difference.  Understanding how tasks, even routine tasks, impact an organization’s success is a key to employee engagement.  People need to know that what they do matters, even if what they do seems small.  When you catch people in the act of doing something right or say thank you, consider adding an impact statement.  Thank you for all the detail in this report.  That sure helps us at audit time.

Regardless of your job-title or position in the organization, you can leverage these 3 very simple communication tools to do your part to enhance employee engagement.  And, the added benefit is, when we help others feel more engaged, we become more engaged ourselves!

What are your thoughts?  Do you have any simple communication strategies that you use to enhance employee engagement?  Are there strategies your leader uses that are effective?  Post a comment and let me know.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

It’s that time of year again.  The time of year when we start to beat ourselves up because we may have given up on our New Year’s resolutions.   Research indicates that 80% of us will give up on our resolutions or goals within the month of January.  If you are one of the 80% who may have thrown in the towel, here are a few communication tips to get you back on track.

• Monitor your self-talk. We all talk to ourselves and the vast majority of our self-talk tends to be negative.  We start to beat ourselves up because we have fallen off the “resolution bandwagon.”  The next time you start saying things to yourself  like “I really blew it” or “I should really be more self-disciplined” or even “I’m such a loser,” take a moment a moment to re-frame the internal conversation.  Replace the negative with things such as “I am re-committed” or “I am learning to have more self-discipline” or “I am human.”  When we can replace the negative self-talk with more positive, growth oriented communication to ourselves we are far more likely to stay the course, start again, or re-commit and thus increase our chances of success.
• Replace “past” focused communication with “future” focused communication. If you are talking about the status of your goals and resolutions with others, resist the temptation to focus on what you didn’t do.  Avoid focusing on the past.  Avoid phrases such as “I didn’t exercise yesterday” or “I should have spoken up in yesterday’s meeting.”  Instead, commit out loud “I am headed to the gym this afternoon” or “I am asking to get on the meeting agenda next week.”  Stop focusing on the past and what you didn’t do or what you did wrong and instead keep your communication, both internal and external, future focused.
• Press the “re-set” button. Go ahead, press it right now.  Stop saying to yourself, “I will start again Monday” or “next month.”  Go ahead and give yourself permission to start again immediately instead of waiting for some supposedly logical start point like tomorrow or the beginning of the week.  Recommit right now, this very instant.  Taking small strides towards your goals and objectives right now is far better than planning for a “big step” or change in the future.

We so often sabotage our success in many areas of our lives with our communication.  Use the power of positive, future focused communication both internally and externally to stay the course and achieve great things!  For more tools, tips, and communication techniques to help you achieve your goals and objectives, join my teleseminar “Beyond Goal Setting 101″ on Thursday January 19, 2012. Register here.

by communication skills expert Pamela Jett, CSP

We’ve all been given the advice to give our bring our leadership solutions, not problems.  And yet, it can sometimes be difficult to communicate those solutions in a polished, professional way.  Here is a simple 3 step process anyone can use at any level to communicate solutions in a powerful way.

1.  Situation – Succinctly and clearly describe the current situation or problem.  It’s not necessary to go into too much detail – a simple overview or a definitive statement will do.

2.  Solution - Describe your proposed solution to the situation.  Use powerful words such as “solution,” “plan,” or “answer” and again, keep it brief.

3.  Support – Ask a closing question designed to get their support such as “do I have your support on this?”

When we use this simple 3 step process, we are communicating with clarity, brevity, and impact.

Please post a comment and share this blog with others.  Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that “Words Matter.”  Find her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, connect on Linked In and sign up for her “Brain Wrinkle” on this website.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

Giving praise is one of the most positive forms of communication.   However, if all we say is “thanks” or “good job”, we miss an opportunity to get make a real impact.  Well delivered praise  rewards and increases the likelihood that people will continue the praiseworthy behavior.  Here is a simple process to give praise that is meaningful and effective every time.  (BTW, I sure wish I could remember where I learned this system – I would love to give credit where credit is due.)

1.  Use names – people like to hear their name associated with the positive.  Research also reveals that every time we hear our name, we get a tiny endorphin rush (the happy hormones.)

2.  Praise immediately – psychologically, your praise will make a bigger impact if it is delivered as close to the praseworthy act as possible.  Leaders, don’t hold on to all the good stuff for performance reviews.  You can double-dip.  If it is fantastic, praise immedaitely and share during a review.

3.  Be specific – don’t simply say “good job.”  Make it clear what you are praising.  That way, people will know what to keep doing.

4.  Point out the impact – this is HUGE!  Of all the steps, this is the most neglected and the most important.  Telling people why what they did matters (pointing out the impact) creates better employee engagement, a greater sense of commitment, and greatly increases that likelihood that the praise will be remembered (and acted upon in the future)

5.  Ask for a repeat – simple and effective.

Susan, you did a great job organizing the data in this report.  Well organized data is what really makes a difference during the monthly review. Keep up the good work.

Following this pattern for giving praise (it also works as a guide for writing thank you notes as well) will increase the likeliehood that your praise will be received as sincere.  Leaders (and parents) who use this system increase commitment and engagement while empowering employees (and teens).

What are your thoughts on giving praise?  Please post a comment and share this blog with others.  Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that “Words Matter.”  Find her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, connect on Linked In and sign up for her “Brain Wrinkle” on this website.