by Pamela Jett, CSP

The deepest need of the human soul is to be understood.

I believe this to be true and it is especially true during conflict and confrontation or emotionally charged situations.  We are looking for others to “get it” or to understand what we are feeling.  And, when we don’t feel understood it can lead to genuine frustration, damaged relationships, and increased conflict.

While we can’t make people better listeners and we can’t improve the empathy skills of others, we can do one simple thing that will increase the likelihood that we will be more fully understood during emotional conversation.  We can build our emotional vocabularies.

I believe that many of us are walking around with fairly limited emotional vocabularies.  We feel rich, complex, and diverse emotions, but we tend to rely on the same limited number of words to express those feelings.  For example, when we are feeling confused and frustrated by another’s behavior we often simply say we are “angry.”  Or, when we are feeling lonely and under-appreciated we might simply say we are feeling “sad.”  Or, when we are feeling overwhelmed and out of control we might resort to labeling that complex state as simply being “stressed.”

Is it any wonder that we don’t feel understood when we are oversimplifying our emotional states?  If you are looking for others to better understand what you are feeling, get better at accurately expressing those feelings.  Build your emotional vocabulary.

When you more accurately describe your internal state, you will likely receive a more on target or “understanding” response from others.  While this doesn’t solve all the challenges during emotional conversations, it can help us each feel more understood and that is a great place to start!

by Pamela Jett, CSP

“What was she thinking?”

“Doesn’t he know that’s not how we do things around here?”

“He ought to know better.”

“I should not have to explain this to her.”

If you are a leader, you might often think these things in response to employee behavior.  Sometimes, it seems as if employees are intentionally engaging in behavior that seems lacking in good judgement or common sense.  It can be frustrating when employees seem to flaunt the unspoken behavioral norms or rules in organizations.  We think they ought to know better.

My advice to leaders who experience this frustration is to remember that:

Not Everyone Was Raised at Your House!

While some things may just seem to be simple commons sense to you, perhaps they were not raised with the same example of smart decision making as you were.  Things that seem obvious to you might not be so obvious to them because they haven’t had the same experiences as you.  Quite simply,  not everyone was raised at your house.

Given that “common sense” isn’t exactly common and that some people simply don’t follow the “cultural norms” or the “unspoken rules” within your organization, what can you as a leader do to help them improve an employee’s performance in these areas?

First, remember that not all people are as adept at reading social signals and picking up on norms as others.  They require clear communication of expectations even if you think “I really shouldn’t have to tell them this.” Or, “they ought to have figured this out by now.”

Second, provide clear communication about social norms or “unwritten rules.”  Do so in a positive fashion.  For example:

I want to keep you in the loop.  Most successful people in this organization choose to not discuss politics with their peers during work hours.

Or,

As your supervisor, I thought I would give you the inside scoop.  Even though our dress code is “business casual”, when executive leadership visits our site, most people opt to dress a bit more formal.

Or,

I wanted to give you a heads up.  Even though it is not spelled out in the employee handbook, sending lots of text messages are frowned upon in this organization.

Once you’ve clearly  and positively communicated your expectations or the “unwritten rules” it is then easier to coach people to success or to hold them accountable, even for the “unwritten rules.”

If you have ideas or suggestions on how to hold people accountable for the “unwritten rules” or “norms”, I would love your comments.

]]> http://www.jettct.com/blog/communicate-expectations-for-performance-improvement/feed/ 0 http://www.jettct.com/blog/gain-cooperation-and-resources-with-this-quick-tip/ http://www.jettct.com/blog/gain-cooperation-and-resources-with-this-quick-tip/#comments Thu, 13 May 2010 18:46:13 +0000 pamela http://www.jettct.com/blog/?p=128

By Pamela Jett, CSP

Gaining cooperation and resources (such as money, time or equipment) from others can be made easier with one communication tip:

Ask for advice before you ask for resources.

While this approach doesn’t guarantee that others will give you what you want, it greatly increases the odds that you will gain their cooperation and support.  It draws on a key truth:  Whose ideas do people like the most?  Their own!

Let’s make this simple and break it down to a 3-step process.

1.)  Share your current concept with them and then ask them what they might do to improve a certain part, or what they think you could do differently, or how you could take it to the next level.  Thank them and go away.

2.)  Ponder their contributions and, if possible, integrate some of their advice.

3.)  Re-approach and use language such as “the project you’ve been so supportive of requires….” (and then state your request for resources).

Obviously, every situation is different and would require different language.  However, if you use the 3 steps outlined above, you increase the chance you will get the support and resources you need.  Remember:

Ask for advice before you ask for resources.

I would love to hear your success stories.  If you’ve used this technique, share your story.  If you have a question, let me know.  Please post a comment on this blog, tweet it, and share it with others.

]]> http://www.jettct.com/blog/gain-cooperation-and-resources-with-this-quick-tip/feed/ 0 http://www.jettct.com/blog/assertive-communication-what-it-really-takes/ http://www.jettct.com/blog/assertive-communication-what-it-really-takes/#comments Fri, 09 Apr 2010 18:05:53 +0000 pamela http://www.jettct.com/blog/?p=123

by Pamela Jett, CSP

Stephen Covey taught me that “inner victories precede outer victories.” Lately, I’ve been conducting several workshops and teleseminars on assertive communication skills and the truth of Dr. Covey’s notion has really been driven home.  In order to be assertive (not passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive), we must have a strong sense of who we are and what matters most.  It is only with a clear understanding of our values, beliefs, and priorities that we can assertively communicate.  Essentially, we need to know on a deep level that some things are worth standing up for and that some things are not.  That way, we can make the choice to use our assertive communication skills (or not.)

Of course, this is easier said than done.  Especially if you were raised to be a “people pleaser” or if you have the habit of putting the needs of others ahead of yours.  It is difficult to communicate in a way that is consistent with what matters most to you if you don’t have a sense of what matters most.  It is hard to stand up for something or assertively communicate your wants and needs if you have not placed a priority on those wants and needs.

If you want to communicate with more confidence, if you want to master the art of assertive communication and reap the rewards of being seem as more capable and credible, I challenge you to spend some quality time figuring out what matters most to you.  I am a big fan of creating and using a personal mission statement.  A personal mission statement is a reflection of what matters most.  It is a written document that articulates your values and priorities.

It is so much easier to assertively communicate when you have a strong sense of “inner victory.”  You will be able to use your assertive communication tools to gain credibility, influence, and respect at work and at home.  If you would like more information on developing your assertive communication skills and developing the pre-requisite of “inner victory” click here .

If you have an example of when you were able to assertively communicate because you had a strong sense of what matters most, I would love to know your story.  Please post a comment.  And, feel free to past this blog post along via Twitter, Facebook, or simply tell a friend.

By Pamela Jett, CSP

I confess.  I spend time on Facebook.  I have found it a great place to connect with old friends.  In fact, just yesterday I connected with a college friend who now plays Big Mike on Chuck.  I’ve connected with friends from elementary school, old roommates, and even a few relatives I didn’t really know about!  I also love that Facebook allows me to see what my friends and colleagues are up to and to offer support and encouragement.  It’s great fun to look at photos, old and new (what’s up with the 80″s hairstyles???) and to see pictures of kids and spouses.

One thing that always makes me smile is the “relationship status”.  One of the options is “it’s complicated” and I was thinking the other day that all the status options ought to have “it’s complicated”. I’m single and I know that “it’s complicated.”  Married people will attest –  ”it’s complicated.”  In fact, all relationships, both personal and professional, are complicated.

The way we manage, maintain, and build our relationships is through communication.  Communication is really the “stuff” that relationships are made of.  Not only what we say, but what we do, how we spend our time, the people we associate with,  it all communicates something.  And frankly, communication isn’t always easy.  We say things we regret, we don’t phrase things right and others get offended, we say too much, we say too little, we say the right thing, but at the wrong time, we misunderstand one another – bottom line –  It’s complicated.

Why are relationships and communication so complicated?  Well, the answer is… you guessed it… it’s complicated!  However, one simple tool to help manage that complication is to remember that past experiences shape our perceptions of current experiences.  So, since everyone has had a different life history, the world really is a different place to different people.

Remembering that we all see the world differently doesn’t make communication easy, but it can help us to be more patient when miscommunication occurs.  It can aid us in choosing our words wisely because we know that people attach their own unique meaning to words and we want to take their experience (their reality) into account.  This knowledge can help us communicate more effectively because we understand where the other person is coming from, or at least that they are coming from a place somewhat different than we are.

Relationships and communication – it’s complicated.  By acknowledging that it’s complicated, we are better able to use communication, our most important tool, to build stronger and more meaningful relationships with friends, family, colleagues and management.

By Pamela Jett, CSP

Interruptions happen about seventy-three times a day!  They can eat up more than 2 hours of the work day.  And, the result is a cost to U.S. businesses of an estimated $588 billion a year.

How would you like you and your team to better manage interruptions so that they don™t take such a terrible toll every day?  During Pamela™s informative 60 minute teleseminar learn how to communicate more effectively and either prevent interruptions or minimize the negative impact of interruptions.

• Discover the key role communication plays in keeping time wasting interruptions at bay.
• Learn how to let others know that œnow is not a good time without appearing disinterested or uncooperative.
• Master the œacknowledge and reschedule technique to stay on task while still being a team-player.
• Enhance your ability to get things done by communicating effectively and manage interruptions with tact and finesse.

Pamela I want to let you know how much we here at the International Monetary Fund enjoyed your teleseminar.  Your presentation was crisp, clear and strong–a real inspiration for how we all need to be communicating! – Paula D., PhD

Learn how to manage interruptions with tact and finesse and watch your productivity soar!  Register for Pamela™s 60 minute teleseminar here (March 8, 2010 noon pacific time.)

]]> http://www.jettct.com/blog/communicate-and-minimize-the-havoc-of-interruptions/feed/ 0 http://www.jettct.com/blog/brussel-sprouts-and-pride/ http://www.jettct.com/blog/brussel-sprouts-and-pride/#comments Tue, 02 Mar 2010 03:21:39 +0000 pamela http://www.jettct.com/blog/?p=98

by Pamela Jett, CSP

Some things are really very hard for me to swallow:  brussel sprouts, creamed corn, liver, and zucchini, to name a few.  However, the most difficult thing for me to swallow is my pride.  It is difficult, distasteful, and not very fun from my point of view.  And yet, I am aware that swallowing my pride is good for me, just like liver and zucchini.  While every leader is aware of how important it is to be humble (which means teachable), it is sometimes very difficult.

One simple way to swallow our pride as leaders is to ask others for their ideas as opposed to simply imposing our own agenda.  Research is very clear that when we ask others for their ideas and solutions, we increase employee engagement and often get better solutions to complex problems.  It isn’t always easy to ask others for their opinions, especially when time is tight or when we think we know the “right” answer.  It is, however, worth it.  Here are a few simple “pride-swallowing” questions to add to your leadership communication repertoire.

• “What are your thoughts?”
• “How do you think this might play out?”
• “How would you approach this situation?”

Just like swallowing brussel sprouts, swallowing our pride can yield great bottom-line results.  And, as an added bonus, we become the kind of leader that employees like and respect.

Enjoy this post?  Please post a comment and share it with those in your professional network.

by Pamela Jett, CSP

In a busy work environment it can be very easy to get  caught up in managing a multitude of tasks, meeting tight deadlines, coping with constant change, and being asked to do more with less.  In that environment, it can be very easy to forget to use remarkable communication.  Here are a few quick tips to keep you focused on using remarkable communication even in the midst of chaos:

1.  Focus on making one change at a time. If you are looking to make remarkable communication one of your personal and professional hallmarks, pick one thing to work on and stay focused on mastering that change.  For example commit to replacing the words “idea” and “suggestion” with more powerful words such as “solution” or “plan.”  For more ideas of small changes in communication that can make a big difference, click here .

2.  Teach someone else. When you learn a remarkable communication tool, share it with someone else.  I often have great conversations  about communication with a friend, Charlotte, who is committed to self-improvement. Charlotte is an active blogger and she often shares what she has learned during our conversations with others through her blog and by teaching it to her family.  This reinforces her commitment to practicing the technique because she has declared herself publicly.  (Read Charlotte’s fantastic blog here.)

3. Recruit a colleague. If you decide to make a change in your communication, recruit someone who knows you well to support you in your efforts.  They can applaud you when you succeed and keep you on track when it is easy to lose focus.

Communication is the most important skill we possess.  Make a commitment to enhancing your communication and hence your credibility and professionalism, even in the midst of the pressing daily grind.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who is committed to sharing remarkable communication tools that create remarkable results.  For more information on bringing Pamela to your meeting or event, click here or call Aimee at 866.726.5388.

Want to learn remarkable communication tools without even leaving your desk?  Attend Pamela’s next teleseminar!

By Pamela Jett, CSP

In previous blog posts I’ve shared the power of vision boards.  And, I have even shared pictures of my vision boards.  I firmly believe that if you post a “vision” of what you want your life to look like, the goals you want to achieve, and the areas of life that you want to improve you greatly increase the likelihood that you will achieve those goals and objectives.  So, I was thrilled to see this commercial as I watched the Olympics tonight.  Enjoy and congratulations Julia!

Click here to view the embedded video.

By Pamela Jett, CSP

I am a huge “Olympic Geek” – particularly the Winter Olympics (OK, I confess, I am not really a huge fan of curling, but just about everything else has me glued to the television.)  This weekend I watched Apolo Anton Ohno win a  silver medal in Men’s Short Track (speed-skating).  Short track is very exciting to watch because all sorts of things can happen in a very short amount of time and the medal race was no exception.  Ohno was sitting in fourth place behind 3 Korean skaters who were pulling away from the pack during the last moments of the race.  All of a sudden, one of the Korean skaters attempted to improve his position.  The result – two Korean skaters slammed into the wall and Ohno, because of positioning, won a silver medal – just like that.

In many ways, success in short track is all about strategy and positioning.  According to his coach, while “Ohno may not have the power to simply blow by someone on the final turn, he™s much more aware of positioning, angles and setting up his opponents for the pass.”  It’s all about positioning.

The same thing goes with career success.  It’s all about positioning.  Are you using your powerful communication skills to take advantage of opportunities?  Are you communicating in a powerful, professional fashion?  Do you use confident language and avoid disclaimers and minimizers which can make you look weak?  Are you positioning yourself in such a way that when opportunities arise for advancement your name is at the top of your leader’s list?

One way to use great communication to position yourself for success is to send regular “I’m great up-dates.”  These are brief e-mail reminders  you send to your leader about once every quarter which highlight your contributions to your organization’s success.  This is not done to brag, simply to keep your leader in the loop.  Sending an “I’m great up-date” not only displays confidence, it is a proactive step to let your leader know how valuable you are.  It makes it easier for them as well.  When review time comes around they can use your “I’m great up-dates” to help them write a great appraisal.  For more on leveraging your “I’m great up-date” and communicating with confidence, listen to my “Mind Your Own Business” audio CD program available at my success store.

If you’ve successfully used an “I’m great up-date”, I would love to hear about it.  Leave a comment, tweet this blog, forward it to your friends and let me know what you think.  And remember, use powerful communication to position yourself for success. Take a lesson from short track, it is all about positioning.