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Empathy – More Than Just a Word

I have recently had the opportunity to present programs on providing extraordinary customer service during tough economic times to several different clients. This program focuses on the “words that matter” when communicating with clients and customers. One of the tools I share during this program has value beyond simply customer service. It is a tool that can help us build, maintain, and even repair relationships of all kinds.

The tool that I am referencing is empathy. Most of us understand empathy to be the ability to project ourselves into the reality (and feelings) of others. In other words, to be able to understand (logically and emotionally) things from another’s perspective. Empathetic communication is our ability to share that understanding with the other party. From my experience, many of us are able to feel empathetic towards another person. William James, who many consider to be the father of modern era psychology, teaches us that the deepest need of the human soul is to be understood. However, we can sometimes struggle when trying to communicate that empathy to another person in a way that they do, indeed, feel that we understand.

Here are a few tips to help you effectively communicate empathy:

1. Ditch the phrase I understand or minimize your dependence upon it. While it is perfectly acceptable to use I understand in average conversations, if you are looking to communicate that you really do understand (empathize), it is better to not rely upon trite, over-used, and sometimes shallow phrases. It would be better to say something that reflects the emotion the other person is experiencing. For example, a savvy communicator might say wow – that sounds very frustrating or this must be very frustrating for you. When you reflect back to the person you are communicating with the emotion they are expressing, they are far more likely to feel understood which is the true goal of empathy.

2. Avoid saying I know just how you feel. While you may, indeed, believe you know just how someone feels, rarely does this phrase have the intended effect. Typically, it will elicit the exact opposite – people will feel that all of a sudden the conversation has shifted from a focus on them to a focus on you. Besides, many people use the phrase I know just how you feel as a springboard to start talking about themselves and tell their story. While communicating to someone that you have had similar experiences and can identify with what they are going through is powerful, words matter and it would be better to communicate by allowing them to completely tell their story, ask probing questions, and when they have had the opportunity to thoroughly express themselves you can try something along the lines of – My heart goes out to you. When I went through something I felt very confused and sad. It sounds like you feel the same way. Obviously, this is simply an example. However, the principle behind the example is to reflect the emotions they are expressing without making it about you. Again, the goal of empathetic communication is met.

3. Ask lots of open-ended questions. Questions signal to your conversational partner that you are interested and involved in what he or she is expressing. By asking open-ended (non-leading and non-judgemental) questions, you allow people the opportunity to communicate and sometimes that is all it takes to make them feel understood.

4. Do not say you shouldn’t feel that way. While sometimes this phrase is well intended – perhaps we are trying to let someone know that they are taking something personally when there is an alternative explanation – the impact this can have is devastating. The moment we tell someone they shouldn’t feel the way they are feeling, we completely invalidate them. Besides, it never works. I’ve never heard someone respond with ok, I won’t. It is more common for people to become defensive and frustrated, which is the complete opposite of empathetic communication.

Empathy is more than just a word. It is a mind-set. By adapting the mind-set that our goal is to communicate understanding, not simply pay lip service to it we can choose our words wisely and communicate empathy with confidence.

For more tools and techniques on communicating with confidence, visit the resource store at http://www.jettct.com/ to order Pamela’s popular program Communicate With Confidence. Pamela Jett, CSP is a communication expert, speaker, and author who believes that words matter. For more information on bringing Pamela to your organization or event call Aimee at 855.726.5388 or visit www.JettCT.com.

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Posted in Difficult Conversations, Relationships, communication on July 25th, 2008 by pamela

The Core of Communication Confidence

by Pamela Jett

In my last post I talked about how important balance is for communication success. When we are out of balance in any area of our lives, it can make it very difficult to use the good communication skills most of us do indeed posses. Sometimes, regardless of how well balanced we are, life can throw us a few curves that can threaten to throw us off balance and impact our ability to communicate with confidence. It is at times like these that we must access our “core” in order to have successful communication (and successful relationships) during challenging times.

As many of my regular readers and clients know, I work with a personal trainer several times a week. Her name is Amber and she is terrific! One of the things we do on a regular basis are a series of “balance activities”. For example, I will be holding weights (sometimes very heavy ones from my point of view, but not hers!) and then required to step up on a weight bench, balance on one leg, press the weights over my head, lower them, and return to the floor. Remember, this is all while standing on one leg! The only way I can stay up-right during this off balance activity is to tighten (or access) my core, those muscles located in my abdomen and lower back.

Not long ago I was working with clients and I realized that these “balance activities” where I have to access my core are parallel to what life is like for many of us on a regular basis. There are times that no matter how well we try to stay balanced, something will cause us to be off balance. Additionally, most, if not all, of us carry some heavy weights (burdens, responsibilities) on a regular basis. When we are thrown off balance by circumstances, events, someones behavior, a change in the organizational environment (or any of the other challenges life throws at us), most of us still need to be productive. We still need to effectively manage the weights that we carry.

It is at times like these that we must access our “personal core”. Our “personal cores” are our values, our character, our inner strength that comes from our personal belief system. The challenging thing for many professionals is that we spend so much of our time dealing with our “weights” that we rarely take the time to ask ourselves the important questions such as “what matters most to me?” or “is this activity moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become” or ” what do I want people to say about me when I am gone – what is the legacy I want leave?” These are the “big questions” of life. How we answer these questions typically reflects our highest priorities – our core.

It can be challenging to stay effective, to communicate effectively, when we are managing a heavy burden (weights). It can be even more challenging when life throws us off balance. It is during those heavily burdened, off balance times that our core matters. What is at your core? When we know who we are from the inside out, it is easier to communicate with confidence. We can say no and not feel guilty because we are engaging in behavior consistent with our values and beliefs. We can have the difficult conversations with others who may be engaged in inappropriate behavior because we value ourselves enough not to be doormats, the examples are endless.

I encourage you to find your core. Access it when times are tough. Ask yourself “is my communication moving me closer to or further away from the person I want to become?”

For more information on communicating with confidence visit me, Pamela, at http://www.jettct.com/. If you have a success story about a time when you accessed your core for communication confidence, I would love for you to drop me a message at Pamela@jettct.com.

We also have exciting news! On July 9th I will be hosting a powerful teleseminar on providing exceptional customer service during tough economic times. This program will focus on the words and phrases front line service providers ought to use (and those “kiss of death” words and phrases to avoid – some will surprise you) to keep customers thrilled. It is not too late to register. Visit https://my.confertel.net/confertel/crsNewRegister.jsp?program=450002 to register.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .

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Posted in Difficult Conversations, Relationships, communication, life balance, stress managment on July 7th, 2008 by pamela

Three Perspective Changing Questions – Lessons Learned from a Bicycle

by Pamela Jett

I recently made an investment in a new bicycle and I love it! So much so that I couldn™t resist posting a picture of it and sharing the joy. For the past week I have been riding around in my neighborhood and exploring the pathways that line the canals. As a result of being on a bike as opposed to being in a car, I am seeing things I have never seen before (even though I am in familiar territory). The world simply looks different from the perspective of a bike. I™ve noticed trails that I didn™t know existed, parks, and amazing patches of œrural in the midst of my densely populated suburb.

As I have been riding, I have also been thinking about what a fresh perspective can do to enhance our relationships and our communication. Sometimes when we are communicating with someone, it is wise to try and change our perspective or see things from a fresh point of view. Here are three simple questions you can ask yourself (not out loud “ ask yourself internally) during conversations, particularly difficult conversations, to see things in a fresh light and enhance your chance of communication success.

1. What is their ultimate goal in this conversation? In communication, people typically have a goal: to get the job done, to satisfy a customer, to learn something, etc¦ The interesting thing is – rarely is their goal about us! Sometimes in conversations we tend to take things personally. Perhaps we are interacting with someone who is perhaps a bit brusque or overly direct. It is normal human nature to think they are œbeing rude to me. When, in fact, it is probably not about you at all! They might be under a time deadline, they might have a meeting they are running late for, or they might be dealing with a difficult and demanding customer. If we stop and ask ourselves, œwhat is their ultimate goal in this conversation? chances are pretty strong that we will recognize that their goal has nothing to do with us (such as trying to ruin our day or rain on our parade); it has everything to do with them and their needs. While this knowledge does not excuse rude behavior on the part of others, it can help us understand the behavior and stop taking it personally.

2. A similar question is what are they afraid of? Most inappropriate communication behavior comes from a place of fear. For example, you might be in a meeting pitching a proposal and one of your colleagues is being strangely resistant, negative, or difficult. Again, human nature would lead us perhaps to take it personally. You might be disappointed, confused, and frustrated that your colleague, who you thought would support you, is being difficult. And, you might start to take it personally. The savvy communicator would stop and ask themselves œwhat are they afraid of? This simple question can help us change our perspective, look past the obvious, and find the root of the difficult behavior. For example, they might be afraid of change, or that the learning curve might be too steep, or that their management won™t like it. The possibilities are endless. However, if you know this person and you ask the question, one or two reasonable answers will likely manifest themselves to you. You can then go about addressing that supposed fear if appropriate. And, at minimum, it keeps you from taking it personally.

3. The final question is almost the opposite of the previous two. The next time you are in a conversation that isn™t going as smoothly as you would like or a conversation where your emotions are starting to get the best of you, I challenge you to ask yourself what is my true intention in this conversation? Sometimes the answer is not pretty. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we might, on occasion, recognize that our motives are perhaps not very noble or appropriate. Perhaps we are more interested in being right than in being effective (that is my personal challenge). Or, perhaps we are looking to make the other person feel small so that we can feel bigger by comparison. Sometimes we might be motivated by a desire to simply œpick a fight because we are actually frustrated by someone or something else. Checking in with our true intentions or motives can often help us make better choices with regards to our communication.

Changing our perspective, looking at something from a different point of view can often help us make better communication choices, stop taking things so personally, and help us build better relationships both at work and at home.

For more communication skills for success, visit Pamela on-line at http://www.jettct.com/. While you are there you can download free communication tools and assessments as well as watch clips of Pamela live.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388, at her website http://www.jettct.com/ , or by e-mail Pamela@JettCT.com.
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Posted in Difficult Conversations, Leadership, Relationships on June 2nd, 2008 by pamela

Thinking about "The Thinker"

By Pamela Jett

I had the wonderful opportunity recently to take a much needed vacation. I went to two of the world’s most amazing cities, London and Paris. During my time I soaked up art, architecture, cultural diversity, and plenty of pain au chocolate (in Paris, of course). One of the highlights of my time was a visit to the Rodin sculpture museum and garden. Housed in the garden is the original (there are numerous authentic copies worldwide) sculpture entitled “The Thinker”. I’ve posted a picture for your reference. This is perhaps Rodin’s most famous piece of work. While I have seen it before, I learned something new about “The Thinker” this time.

I, like most people, have always thought that “The Thinker” represented a man pondering the great questions of existence such as “what is the meaning of life?” What I learned was that contrary to my belief, the sculpture was intended to represent a man pondering more personal questions such as “what do I do now?” or “where do I go next?” These, more personal questions, also have universal appeal and are no less difficult to answer for the average individual.

As I was pondering this information and my own “ah ha” moment, I was struck by the environment in which Rodin created his masterpiece. He worked in a villa filled with his students and proteges. They lived and worked together, creating some of the most awe inspiring sculpture the world has ever known. This fertile environment allowed these creative minds to work together, feed off one another, support one another, and learn from one another.

What is the link between these two observations? It struck me that most professionals often ponder “what do I do now? or “what do I say now?” when managing or negotiating relationships via communication, particularly when we are planning difficult conversations or dealing with difficult people. Rodin created a fertile environment in which to learn and grow. What environment have you created for yourself to grow and learn? Do you have people in your life who serve as mentors or roles models that you can tap into when you need inspiration or a creative way to solve a communication dilemma? Do you have a library of resources that can help you craft a powerful communication approach or are you flying by the seat of your pants and trying to figure everything out on your own? Are you investing in yourself through workshops, audio programs, e-zines, attending meetings of your professional association or are you working on dealing with communication challenges all by yourself?

My challenge to readers is to assess your current creative environment. Explore educational opportunities in your field. Look for those who you admire professionally and cultivate a relationship with them. Surround yourself with resources so that if you are thinking about a communication challenge, you can tap into the knowledge and expertise of others.

If creating a fertile, creative environment helped Rodin to produce masterpieces (I also love the Burghers of Calais), think of of what powerful things creating a learning environment can do for you. Look for future blog posts where I will share my “must read” book list. If you have any resources that have been powerful for you, I would love to know about them. Send an e-mail to me at Pamela@JettCT.com .

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website http://www.jettct.com/ .
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Posted in Difficult Conversations, Professional Development on May 22nd, 2008 by pamela

Warm Up for That Difficult Conversation

By Pamela Jett

I am a regular walker. It is my habit to walk about three to five miles every morning. Sometimes I even pick up the pace and run. This is a daily ritual that I enjoy very much and am very committed to. In fact, it is not unusual to find me walking in near-artic temperatures at the crack of dawn when I am on the road conducting programs for my clients. I see plenty of hotel gyms and I have even been known to walk hotel hallways when all else fails. I enjoy it tremendously and it significantly contributes to my physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

This morning as I was walking on a particularly bright and very breezy day here in Phoenix, I started thinking about an observation my personal trainer has made. She can always tell if I have walked before a training session or not. When I have walked I am focused, more energetic, and my body seems to respond more readily. When I have not (yet) walked, I have a difficult time staying focused and it is as if my body has not yet œwoken up.

This led me to wonder, how are we œwaking ourselves up mentally before difficult conversations? All too often professionals tend to simply dive into tough conversations without sufficient warm up or practice. The result? Often our conversations are unfocused, we lose emotional discipline and say the wrong things, and the end results are often not what we would like. The following are a few keys ways to œwarm up before a difficult conversation.

1. Follow the sage advice of Stephen Covey and begin with the end in mind. Ask yourself prior to having a tough conversation, what is my ultimate goal? Is it to get someone to see things from my point of view? Is it to have them change a behavior? Is it to simply feel understood or listened to? While this may seem simplistic, all too often we embark on a difficult conversation with no idea where we are headed or what our ultimate goal is. By spending time pondering your ultimate goal or what success would look like in your conversation you can begin to chart a conversational course that will take you there.

2. Practice! Practice! Practice! Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Pay attention to the words you choose to use. Remember, words matter and some words will trigger defensiveness (words like œshould, and œyou make me¦) while other words trigger cooperation and understanding. Write down key words and phrases. Practice saying them out loud if you can. If you have a tremendous amount at stake and you have a trusted confidant, practice aloud to someone else. While you don™t read your notes during the difficult conversation or expect the conversation to go exactly as practiced, planning ahead increases the likelihood you will say what you need to say and avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

3. Consider how the other person might respond. While we cannot predict how another person will respond to our communication with 100% accuracy, most professionals are able to take an educated guess regarding how someone might respond and they have a contingency plan in place. This is all part of practice! practice! practice!

4. Choose your time and place wisely. Some conversations are what we call crucial or pivotal conversations. These are conversations where you have a tremendous amount at stake, either personally or professionally. Since you are going to take the initiative to have a difficult conversation, choose a time and place most conducive to cooperation. For example, opting to talk to your spouse about something crucial while he or she is in the middle of a project is probably not wise, opting to talk to a colleague when you know they are under a tight time deadline is also not wise. This leads me to my final suggestion.

5. Communicate early. One of the reasons we often make a poor choice in terms of time and place is that we œjust can™t take it anymore. We have finally œhad it! We need to talk and we need to talk right away! This is how a reactionary communicator functions. They hold on to their irritation, frustration, and concerns until they can no longer stand it. A responsible communicator doesn™t wait until things get so bad that they snap. They are proactive about tough conversations because they know that ignoring a problem does not make it go away.

Preparing for difficult conversations is something everyone can do. The next time you need to bring up a difficult subject with your spouse or partner or you need to engage in a disciplinary conversation with an employee, or you need to confront a colleague about their behavior, examine the five concepts above and consider putting them into practice. If you have had success with these concepts, I would love to hear your story. Send me an e-mail at Pamela@Jettct.com.

Pamela Jett is a communication skills expert who believes that words matter. She works with organizations, associations and individuals who want to improve their communication skills for business and personal success. She can be reached toll free at 866.726.5388 or at her website www.PamelaJett.com

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Posted in Difficult Conversations on April 27th, 2008 by pamela

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